Disappointment feels like a heavy rock sitting at the bottom of my spirit. Disappointment stems from many different places in my life but I can't help but notice that the heaviest disappointment I carry is what comes from other people. Not just any people, but the ones who are closest to me, the ones who were suppose to be there.
I've been learning a lot about people and friendships and the relationships that come with them. Moving back to Nashville has been so good and I've been able to make some great new friends and see a few old ones as well, but this week the crushing blow of realizing things are not as they used to be has been weighing on me and my heart is hurting. I've had people who were suppose to be my some of my best friends not take the time to respond to a simple message. I've been back a month and a half and have not seen friends who were suppose to be "my person." I've had people cancel on me more times than I can count. My heart sees people as the best version of themselves they can possibly be but that's not realistic. Every time I put my faith completely in people I'm setting myself up for disappointment.
In short, I've been let down a lot.
I've tried different approaches to dealing with disappointment from throwing myself a pity party to stuffing it away in a box and hoping the lid stays shut. I've told myself over and over that even when I'm upset, even when I'm hurt and when there's bitterness in my heart God is good. But that's a lesson I struggle with. I've learned it and forgotten it once again. And honestly the idea that even when people fail me, God will not fail me (while true) does not change how I'm feeling.
So I grieved.
I thought back on the many people in the Bible who grieved through their struggles. Job specifically came to mind. He told God how he truly felt. He allowed God to see his anger but still never doubted God. While my frustrations don't compare to his, there's so much to learn.
I tried allowing myself to feel every little bit of disappointment. I told God how I felt and I mean how I really felt. What I wished was different. What I thought other people had done wrong. What I desired others should have done. I realized that disappointment is not the same as lack of faith. It's okay, because as you grieve you are able to move on. You can forgive, you can set boundaries, you can confront it, or you can let it go. The options are endless but there is freedom and after grief I am able to embrace the fact that even when people disappoint, God will not fail me.
I've been learning a lot about people and friendships and the relationships that come with them. Moving back to Nashville has been so good and I've been able to make some great new friends and see a few old ones as well, but this week the crushing blow of realizing things are not as they used to be has been weighing on me and my heart is hurting. I've had people who were suppose to be my some of my best friends not take the time to respond to a simple message. I've been back a month and a half and have not seen friends who were suppose to be "my person." I've had people cancel on me more times than I can count. My heart sees people as the best version of themselves they can possibly be but that's not realistic. Every time I put my faith completely in people I'm setting myself up for disappointment.
In short, I've been let down a lot.
I've tried different approaches to dealing with disappointment from throwing myself a pity party to stuffing it away in a box and hoping the lid stays shut. I've told myself over and over that even when I'm upset, even when I'm hurt and when there's bitterness in my heart God is good. But that's a lesson I struggle with. I've learned it and forgotten it once again. And honestly the idea that even when people fail me, God will not fail me (while true) does not change how I'm feeling.
So I grieved.
I thought back on the many people in the Bible who grieved through their struggles. Job specifically came to mind. He told God how he truly felt. He allowed God to see his anger but still never doubted God. While my frustrations don't compare to his, there's so much to learn.
I tried allowing myself to feel every little bit of disappointment. I told God how I felt and I mean how I really felt. What I wished was different. What I thought other people had done wrong. What I desired others should have done. I realized that disappointment is not the same as lack of faith. It's okay, because as you grieve you are able to move on. You can forgive, you can set boundaries, you can confront it, or you can let it go. The options are endless but there is freedom and after grief I am able to embrace the fact that even when people disappoint, God will not fail me.
