Mornings.

12:20 PM

Mornings.

 Waking up, opening your eyes just barely, only to close them again. The alarm is going off. Inhale, exhale, the first breath of the day. Feeling the warmth of the covers. That first step into the shower. Making a cup of tea. Hair, makeup, perfume and the latest fashion.

 Or maybe if you're like me, getting out of bed is miracle in itself and today you are just bumming it to work or school. Again. That's me most days. Waking up and feeling like your life is a movie, not in a fairy tale way, but rather feeling like life is movie you're watching and can't control. The energy to get up and get the day started is nonexistent.

 Mornings.

 But recently I've begin to see mornings as so much more. Mornings may be hard but I also see them as a sign from God. Even if some days it is just a faint whisper, calling out, reminding me that he is not finished yet. Another day, a future, a plan, for me. 

 Yesterday was not the end. There is a new day and God is bigger. He is bigger than the pain that seems to just be sitting in my soul. He's bigger than the anxiety carried to bed the night before. He is bigger than the insomnia that stirs through night. He is bigger than the intrusive thoughts that keep popping up, up, up, out of nowhere and screaming. My sins of the day before don't have to maintain their grip on me, God has given me a new day and a new breath of life.

Psalm 30:15 
"Weeping may endure for a night, 
But joy comes in the morning."

 But mornings aren't always easy. Seeing God's hand in them does not equal pain free. How can you begin a new day with the weight of everything pulling you under and a life that seems to have no structure just messy and broken pieces? It will never be perfect but I think the more we run to Jesus and strive to understand his word, the more we will see his promises and the goodness to come as we begin to see the love and the life he wants for us. 

 I see God in my mornings. He shows up and speaks through my sleepiness. He promises new life through him day after day.

Lamentations 3:22-23 
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

When People Fail Me

5:00 PM

Disappointment feels like a heavy rock sitting at the bottom of my spirit. Disappointment stems from many different places in my life but I can't help but notice that the heaviest disappointment I carry is what comes from other people. Not just any people, but the ones who are closest to me, the ones who were suppose to be there.

I've been learning a lot about people and friendships and the relationships that come with them. Moving back to Nashville has been so good and I've been able to make some great new friends and see a few old ones as well, but this week the crushing blow of realizing things are not as they used to be has been weighing on me and my heart is hurting. I've had people who were suppose to be my some of my best friends not take the time to respond to a simple message. I've been back a month and a half and have not seen friends who were suppose to be "my person." I've had people cancel on me more times than I can count. My heart sees people as the best version of themselves they can possibly be but that's not realistic. Every time I put my faith completely in people I'm setting myself up for disappointment.

In short, I've been let down a lot. 

I've tried different approaches to dealing with disappointment from throwing myself a pity party to stuffing it away in a box and hoping the lid stays shut. I've told myself over and over that even when I'm upset, even when I'm hurt and when there's bitterness in my heart God is good. But that's a lesson I struggle with. I've learned it and forgotten it once again. And honestly the idea that even when people fail me, God will not fail me (while true) does not change how I'm feeling. 

So I grieved.

I thought back on the many people in the Bible who grieved through their struggles. Job specifically came to mind. He told God how he truly felt. He allowed God to see his anger but still never doubted God. While my frustrations don't compare to his, there's so much to learn.

I tried allowing myself to feel every little bit of disappointment. I told God how I felt and I mean how I really felt. What I wished was different. What I thought other people had done wrong. What I desired others should have done. I realized that disappointment is not the same as lack of faith. It's okay, because as you grieve you are able to move on. You can forgive, you can set boundaries, you can confront it, or you can let it go. The options are endless but there is freedom and after grief I am able to embrace the fact that even when people disappoint, God will not fail me.


To the girl who keeps pushing through

12:33 PM

This is for the girl who tried to never be anything but the best. To the girl who always tried to have the best grades. To the girl who made sure she went to the school of her dreams. To the girl who pushed and pushed herself without taking a second to breathe.


That girl is me.

For my whole life I have been determined. Trying to reach my goals as fast as I could without stopping and when something happened that got in the way panic took over.

I spent so much time and energy trying make sure I graduated high school with as many college classes as I could, so that I could get through college as fast as I could, so that I could have my career and be successful and happy. 

Until one day...
I realized my goals weren't even my goals anymore.
I was sprinting towards something I didn't even want any more. 
My goals had turned into a mere destination I was trying to get to.

I'm 18, barely an adult by any means more than a simple number.
I don't know what I what I want. I don't know myself at all.

So what happens when dreams change? 

I've never been one to quit. I keep pushing myself through, always trying to get bigger and better. Not necessarily in an attempt to show people that I'm the best but rather in a small attempt to convince myself of my worth.

So what happens when I'm sitting at my dream school loving the city I'm in and the people I'm with but knowing that being there is not what I need?

Oh how tragic it is to love something but to also know it's not what's best for you.

That leads to the question, "then what IS best for me?" 
and the answer to that I do not know.
and that's okay.

Well, all least I'm trying to learn that it's okay, 
that it's okay to not have all the answers.

Cause quite frankly I'm freaking out. Deciding to pack up my room, move back home and take a semester off from college is far from anything I would have ever expected I would be doing.

Where's the goals in that?
I don't take breaks. I keep moving forward, I keep pushing on.

But it's okay... It's okay to not have all the answers.
At some point in my life the realization hit me that my days are numbered and despite that number being unknown I don't have one minute more or one minute less. I let that idea take over my mind. Because i thought if I could graduate early and be ahead of the majority then I felt like I was in control.

But life is not a race. 

There is no prize for getting through everything the fastest.
Brownie points don't exist in real life.

Learn to enjoy the ride.

Take the time to figure out who you are.

I'll be honest again, right now I am not enjoying the ride. I've cried many tears the past few days. I'm mad that I finally felt like I fit in somewhere and I had it taken away from me. Nobody wants to leave their life, their friends.

Choosing what's best even when it doesn't feel best is hard.

But I'm working on letting go. Having peace with not knowing everything. Because goals are good and my determination to succeed is good. And what I'm learning is that taking a semester off does not make me any less of a person, it does not make me any less determined or any less of a goal oriented person. It does not make me weak. All it does is simply give me a semester off.

and now it's time to just breathe. 







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